It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way

Beauty and Ashes

Lets face it: life is hard sometimes. I think we can all attest to that. At one point you can feel like you are on top of the world and everything is looks beautiful, and moments later it can feel like it is all crashing down on you and you arent quite sure what happened.

    I have some experience in this area. It has taken me awhile to write about this. Partly because I didn't quite know what to say, and partly because I wasn't sure who would understand. But my sweet friend Kaitlyn led me to the realization that more women go through it then I think, most just don't talk about it. So, here is my story.

  On May 14th I found out I was expecting. My husband and I had talked about wanting another one, and we were planning (on our own time of course!) that we would have one around the time our son Caleb was 2 1/2 to 3. At the time I found out, he had just turned two so it seemed like everything was on track. We had been asking God "What's next for us? What do YOU have for us?" and when I found out I was pregnant, it seemed that was the answer! We were excited, and thought that this was what was next for us- a new addition to put our focus and attention on! What more could we want? I remember rushing to make our son a "Big Brother" shirt so we could surprise Doug later that night after he got home from work. How exciting for our family!

    Unfortunately, things didn't happen exactly how we thought and they took a turn in the opposite direction instead. One short week later, I was having symptoms that weren't normal, light bleeding and a lot of cramping.  I messaged my friend Kaitlyn, because I knew she understood and I couldn't imagine letting anyone else in on my disappointment. She talked to me about what was most likely happening, and then encouraged me to let others know instead of holding it in, as well as go to get checked out. I spent the rest of the day in the doctor's office getting tests and ultrasounds done to see what exactly was going on. Yes, you guessed it: I was having a miscarriage. I remember feeling so defeated and devastated. How could this happen? Was something wrong with me? Did I do something to make this happen? Would I have trouble having more children? The thoughts kept coming, and to top it off I had gone alone. No one to share my grief with, no one except my OB to tell me that it would be okay. I cried and cried, not wanting to believe it was true. 
     I remember texting my Pastor to let her know what was going on, and a few hours later her husband called Doug to tell him that he needed to get me to church the following night because the message would speak to me. Not knowing what the message was about, but knowing in my spirit that I NEEDED to go, we went to church the following night. The message instead was a testimony, and it was the testimony of a friend who had lost her baby. I think I cried through the whole thing, KNOWING that God had worked this out perfectly, knowing that He cared SO much about my heartache, that He made it so I would get HOPE from another’s story during my time of grief. And that’s exactly what I received. It’s like the Lord and I did an exchange. My sadness exchanged for HOPE. My ashes exchanged for beauty. Much like the rest of my life, I realized that I had to lay my hopes and dreams of having more children, on HIS altar. Everything in my heart cried out “ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!” But my God said something different. It might not have turned out the way I pictured, but He would use the ashes and brokenness of my life for good when I lay it down and surrender it to Him. When I surrender my ideas for how I thought it was supposed to be, to Him.. the One who makes all things. Ladies. Let’s let that be a testament of our life. That even in our brokenness and our ashes, we trust Him SO much that we can still lay it down and surrender it to Him. 
     Not many know this. But in November 2018 I had another miscarriage. This one still stung, but because of who I now KNOW my God to be after that first one, it didn’t hurt so bad this time. You see, when you allow yourself to really search for God and find the heart of God, you can still have peace in the midst of trials. You can still find joy in the midst of loss, and you can still find rest in the midst of tragedy. None of that defines God or is bigger than God. None of that changes who HE is and who He says He is. 
   There are still days where I get discouraged or fearful that I won’t be able to have another child, or that miscarriage after miscarriage will happen. Some days Caleb will ask for “a baby” and my heart will ache all over again. It’s still hard to talk about sometimes, but I KNOW that I KNOW that my God won’t fail
me. A leader I’ve followed for awhile and a new social media friend of mine posted something so beautifully regarding this issue yesterday, and I would like to end with it here: 

“Infertility is not your name. It’s not your inheritance. You no longer have to pretend that you don’t want a family because you have seen so many negative signs. You do not have to dilute your desires to have a family and assume it is all a lost cause. God is in every step of the journey with you, and do not ever water that truth down.” -Ebie Hepworth 
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